The attic is like my personal blanket protecting me from the seasons of Goodbyes, disappointments, dilemmas and my constantly engulfing hunger.
The dampness in the walls erode the noiseless scars in me like peeling out excessive skin and baring out the ugly tangent I never wished to face, that got wet from my own waterfall when the wait was too much to bear.
The darkness in the room trying to grasp the light scantily tells me that even demons, sometimes, run behind the light when their rage tries to conquer their innocent turmoil.
The scarcely visible space in the attic is an embodiment of all the old memories I kept on stuffing inside, suffocating the good ones along gradually losing their radiating tint and couldn’t sprout a new one unless I entered the space and made my way through the clutter.
The most grotesque, greasy and outlandish figures, scrolls, toys, ideas, memories, silences, emotions adoring the attic. How come it is possible to be attached to something that shows the mirror of your unorganised poetry?
I hold your hand when no one else does. I translate your vague thoughts into words. A partner in silence A balm to your wounds. The one who fills the blanks in your life.
Unrequited Love : (noun) – Being in love with someone who does not, and will never, love you back.
Do the words “will never love you back” not make you think of being stranded at crossroads with no intention of choosing which way to go where you could win your favorite person along with their hearts? The seed of love that grew inside, ignorant that the world is already filled with beautiful and ever-giving trees, never dwelled upon how this little plant will endure the storm of refusals. Loving someone with no hope of being loved back is an act of bravery and foolishness in itself. Something no less than a punishment.
You pluck a piece of your heart, offer it to them but that piece starts mourning itself for being unwanted & rotten for too long. There are no rainbows, unicorns, scarlet skies, skewed snowfalls in one-sided love yet there are all present because you don’t expect the other person to return your love and you witness all the feelings of love standing and looking at them from afar. They say when you are in love with someone you can’t be friends with them. But in amidst of all these sayings, you choose what your heart desires. If you can still see them, talk to them in the pretense of friendship ,and don’t expect anything else out of this except their presence then you experience togetherness and loneliness all at the same time but it’s still worth it. There might be a mask of a labeled relationship but their smiles are worth millions of poems you still want to read.
That is the happy bubble you create for yourself along with the anticipated memories of your lover. With growing anticipations, sometimes emerges the desire to confess in moving one step further. You know it, yet muster up courage only to be rejected bearing no menace towards them. A sign of enormous strength and pure feeling towards that person. Who do you want to blame Time, situation, yourself, or them?
Broken edges of your heart pierce with the first question “Are you playing a lead role in your own life that you wanted to become one in theirs?”No matter how appalling self-doubt is, tearful eyes still dream of them. All the questions come down to why getting involved when you thought it won’t yield anything? Why take risks when it’s dangerous? Why even bother living when you have to die eventually. But we just don’t know how to run away from situations we are meant to face, or from people we love and this one-sided love makes us reach the epitome of wait and patience. We are brave knowing how scary our loneliness in loving the one who’d never be a part of our life.
Unrequited Love has got more cons than pros but one good thing is you would know when to call it off. You would be the boss of your feelings to end it when. There will be tons of articles on the internet, pieces of advice from your friends but you are going to move when your heart will have its fill of waiting around.
a symbol of boldness and acceptance. Stove of valor that cooks the hottest meals pinches itself whenever it burns her. Fascinating utensils that hold the substance but only they know how empty they are. The doors of cupboards have been broken long ago but nobody pays attention to that since no one enters her kitchen, just like her heart. The smoke summons her own childhood when she sat with her mother, the last time she was spoiled. The food prepared is worth defying the restaurant cuisines but ofcourse it fails her at the garnishing, with its jazzy exterior look. Her kitchen is like a rose with its thorns, keeping people at bay. It’s a place where she fights alone, in her mind. With the fuel, the fire, the flames, the fuming question why only she was subjected to this tiled war room.
To the writer in me You are no less than a businessman. Selling emotions for just few words.
Metaphors with blunt edges, Verses of your affair with solitude, Words like scratched knees, Rhymes of unheard voices, Lyrics like the essence of Grandma’s pickle, Limericks with lavender folklores, Poems of used pens at sunset, Ode to eccentric emotions keeping sane,
A piece of poetry coated in paints of love and pain exhibited as the canvas of emotions. We sell all.
How do I give love to you when I am in search of finding it for myself. All the truckload of love I had within I showered onto so many like snowflakes & confetti. The myriad pieces touched maximum of masses resting on different parts of their body calming their nerves down, but emptying me at the same time. The barter system I didn’t anticipate.
Now that they are gone I’ve got to find those pieces of myself to complete the puzzle again. Some pieces that got burnt stings my hand the moment I touch it, some got soaked in materialistic waves & forgot their real shape, some got crushed under cracked concrete forgetting their own needs, & few that I might not to be able to find it ever.
And to create those new,brave mini me(s) I have to rave in solitude, crack open my bottled up emotions, gulp the shame of disappointment, forgive myself for a heart big as a crater, & mingle with my soul again. Those parts I weave must have the shadows of polite past with a lesson learned in present. Not sure how long will this renaissance take.
How can I make you wait when I know how waiting for someone,feels. Even though I understand your heart what if those new pieces don’t want you, ever! How can I do this to you when I have gone through that pain myself?
I would be betraying even before I commit myself to you. How can I love when I am an empty vessel still trying to fill?
What they see isn’t always true. I’ve been hiding the burning, dying parts of me in my hands behind my back wearing a broad smile in front. I have been precariously walking forward but they complain of me marching backwards and sometimes I believe them. The struggle they don’t understand The smile I wear to keep my foothold.
I don’t wish to trash anyone with my agony I don’t wish to burden anyone under my emotional breakdown. Not even you! If you enter my life at this point I might lean on you completely. You might even help me heal but I feel that would be temporary. And, if after I heal I might leave & seek something that attracts my new mosaic soul. Or worse, I might not be able to leave & stay with you in a loveless bond feeling obliged to be with you because you were with me in my sour times. That would be toxic.
How can I do this to you? How can I do this to myself?
Have you ever closely looked at the burning fire? Crackling in an open furnace like a campfire or a fireplace. Attracting you with its wavy blazing flares. Holding enormous power to burn anything in the vicinity but stays confined within the limits. The mightiness to destroy yet provides you the warmth.
When you look into it you feel that power within Something burning inside you, Something moving you towards meaningful that has not been cultivated yet. The unique magic of fire melting walls and penetrating into you in form of tiny veins unlocking a spectator, an observer inside you.
It opens a chamber of your mind where there is too much wisdom you aren’t aware of yet. Looks like your soul knows it too. The answers you had been looking for so you start following that gut. Forgetting about the world! You find there is so much unexplored And you wish to dig it all open; The parts you rarely visit.
It could be your higher self. Not the Highest One(yet) Like an Attic, It’s rarely used. But so much stored in there. You visit only when you need it.
Sometimes your subconscious calls you out when it sees you struggling, It understands you need something, it understands the void you’re trying to fill but that won’t be available in the outside world. And hence, makes you visit.
And after this Self-Realisation for a fleeting moment all comes to halt. You are so moved by that power That you push yourself through it again, You wish to enter that trance again but it doesn’t happen.
Similar to an episode of any series. When it ends you know you have to wait till it airs again. That’s all you are supposed to know at the moment. And you make a truce with it
In same way,the door has been closed now And wants you to stay put for a while.
I believe Nature holds that power. The world we are trying to build outside, Nature has the power to showcase that world we have already built inside us but aren’t aware of it. It gives us directions from time to time, answers to our confusions, enriching us with ideas if seeking any. That focus, that thinking, that looking does wonders inside us. It’s weird but pleasurable.
That’s why they say. You reflect what you feel within.
the hurricanes that passed in my mind without you, the hallucinations of us being together, the concept of distance that sometimes thousand miles are much easier to cover if they wish to but not a single step forward even if you beseech them, the hurt that we won’t be getting old together, the endings to realise there is none because life goes on in circles of beginning and ending.
I have fallen out of all except the grief that still takes me back to you back to us resting as one soul.
