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May 2021 – Mystic Land
Have you ever closely looked at the burning fire? Crackling in an open furnace like a campfire or a fireplace. Attracting you with its wavy blazing flares. Holding enormous power to burn anything in the vicinity but stays confined within the limits. The mightiness to destroy yet provides you the warmth.
When you look into it you feel that power within Something burning inside you, Something moving you towards meaningful that has not been cultivated yet. The unique magic of fire melting walls and penetrating into you in form of tiny veins unlocking a spectator, an observer inside you.
It opens a chamber of your mind where there is too much wisdom you aren’t aware of yet. Looks like your soul knows it too. The answers you had been looking for so you start following that gut. Forgetting about the world! You find there is so much unexplored And you wish to dig it all open; The parts you rarely visit.
It could be your higher self. Not the Highest One(yet) Like an Attic, It’s rarely used. But so much stored in there. You visit only when you need it.
Sometimes your subconscious calls you out when it sees you struggling, It understands you need something, it understands the void you’re trying to fill but that won’t be available in the outside world. And hence, makes you visit.
And after this Self-Realisation for a fleeting moment all comes to halt. You are so moved by that power That you push yourself through it again, You wish to enter that trance again but it doesn’t happen.
Similar to an episode of any series. When it ends you know you have to wait till it airs again. That’s all you are supposed to know at the moment. And you make a truce with it
In same way,the door has been closed now And wants you to stay put for a while.
I believe Nature holds that power. The world we are trying to build outside, Nature has the power to showcase that world we have already built inside us but aren’t aware of it. It gives us directions from time to time, answers to our confusions, enriching us with ideas if seeking any. That focus, that thinking, that looking does wonders inside us. It’s weird but pleasurable.
That’s why they say. You reflect what you feel within.
the hurricanes that passed in my mind without you, the hallucinations of us being together, the concept of distance that sometimes thousand miles are much easier to cover if they wish to but not a single step forward even if you beseech them, the hurt that we won’t be getting old together, the endings to realise there is none because life goes on in circles of beginning and ending.
I have fallen out of all except the grief that still takes me back to you back to us resting as one soul.
Between these pages I hide the exquisite scars we read like poetry, the smell of home we found in an abandoned city, our ageless sunrise together, the verses that held us together, the collarbone kisses of fairytales, the hue of beginnings, the anticipation of endings. We swirled around our dreams, now safely tucked in these pages.
I am intrigued by these preaching day in and day out (I have a feeling so would other people) so I dug a little bit deeper about self-love. Does anyone realize it’s a real struggle for people with insecurities, inhibitions, prolonged fears or abandonment issues? Their sinful habit of over-thinking the scenarios, reliving the embarrassing moments, being the cause of a mishap, unconsciously putting themselves under the victim’s light makes it impossible to reach the road of well-being.
It’s a hard-nut for people who have hit rock bottom or going through a worse heartbreak or have been deceived by their close ones. They don’t punish others. They punish themselves. They forget how it feels to love oneself. This leads me to the other parameter which is needed to be considered before you set yourself on a journey of self-love. ‘Journey!’ I said journey because I realized this is an ongoing process and not a single destination that you reach once and it’s over. You got to find yourself again and again whenever you are caught amidst the desert of sorrows, dejections or miseries. Every time life throws a mishap, a tragedy or a disaster we forget to put ourselves first and reach the bottomless bottoms where we keep on drowning without seeing any ray of hope.
This leads me to the other parameter which is needed to be considered before you set yourself on a journey of self-love. ‘Journey!’ I said journey because I realized this is an ongoing process and not a single destination that you reach once and it’s over. You got to find yourself again and again whenever you are caught amidst the desert of sorrows, dejections or miseries. Every time life throws a mishap, a tragedy or a disaster we forget to put ourselves first and reach the bottomless bottoms where we keep on drowning without seeing any ray of hope.
The other and the most important pointer for me is when people say ‘Accept me the way I am’. I find this as a half-truth. To love yourself you have to truly accept yourself. Accepting yourself comes with a dare of improving and working on the toxic straits you bear. Ever happened to you that you met someone and disliked them instantly? Not because they did something wrong to you, nor they carried any ill vibes towards you. But you just disliked them for no apparent reason. Well, it happened to me. I kept on thinking, kept on introspecting why am I bearing a sudden disgust towards that person? Then I got an answer. I saw all those habits, patterns, traits that I never liked in myself. I didn’t like the mirror I was made to see. Things I should have changed or work upon but instead ignored and glorified it saying ‘This is the way I am, can’t help it.’ Deep down I knew it but never acknowledged it until I worked upon it.
When you face yourself you clearly see those toxic traits. Turn of events; this is where you don’t hate yourself, or run away from or ignore them. The only way to get rid of the self-loathing episodes is to face it and fight it. Its very easy to accept the best parts of yours but it takes enormous guts to accept those ugliest ones and an undaunted belief that you can work upon those to improve yourself. Your behavior, mannerisms, clean habits, healthy boundaries, conduct towards yourself and others; all these are in your control. And anything else that apart from these like the appearances, statures, anything which isn’t in your control that must be truly accepted, respected by you and cherished by the people around. And I have seen that happens automatically when you fill your brain with knowledge, wisdom, and intellect and that your positivity is pouring out of you and people do love company, feel comfortable in your aura no matter how you look.
This brings me to my next theme.
Narcissism v/s Self-love
The thin line difference between being consumed by one’s appearance, qualities, vanity V/S a state of appreciating oneself that helps your physical, psychological and spiritual growth. Narcissism or self-absorption, according to me is an egotistical state where one deems oneself as superior and discard even the constructive criticism which, for certain, helps become a better person. The ‘Room for improvement’, kind of, doesn’t exist there and the lack of path of acceptance where one thinks so highly of oneself that they don’t realize that they are making other people feel inferior. Showing off strength to intimidate them and not to motivate them
– To be a part of yourself, you have to get rid of your own toxicity.
This post isn’t any guideline on how to love oneself. That you’re going to figure it out yourself. Because each one has their different version of taking care of their physical & mental health. This is the interlude of experiences I had, observed, inferred and so felt, must be shared. I had once reached the highest peak where I loved, cherished, and respected myself so much that some hurdles literally felt like tiny bumps in the road I could easily cross through my gained confidence. Then came the dark times where I hated myself, cringed for being so emotional and wanted the pain to end because I felt I am too weak to handle it.
Then an inner voice jolted me. “You did it before, you can do it again.” It dawned upon me then that those tiny, daily practices of self-love will be required as long as we breathe. And we must because taking care of ourselves is solely our responsibility. Why? Like nobody else can eat on our behalf, nor can they breathe, or pray, or exercise; no one can exercise the mind on our behalf. It’s our work to get rid of our own toxicity or the toxic people around us. Stop defending the abuser thinking it was your fault that you expected, that you overreacted. Or you were too sensitive. Let toxic people go and if not that, you walk out on them. They aren’t good for your mental peace. And those who truly love you they would want you to choose yourself first. You are responsible to mend your heart. And once you start that journey, people around will understand. They will support your dreams, your passion and most importantly your mental health. They would not want you to drown in the sheets of depression.
And if you don’t have anyone right now, at least you have yourself.
I am encapsulating lots of positive energy in this write-up. So derive from it as much as you want, read it again & again if it comforts you. Reach the level of self-love, feel the amazing power when you improves yourself. It’s intoxicating but in a positive way. It’s okay to feel sad, angry, anxious, panicky and allowing yourself to feel all this is another form of self-healing. It’s okay to have a negative or a dark side. Accept those. Just don’t feed them too much, don’t let that harm you.
There is nothing truer than this, you can’t keep people around happy unless you keep yourself happy and fulfilled. I know now, Self-love is a continual journey that doesn’t halt. But once you get a taste of it you would never want to stop. There would be heartaches at every turn of life and its going to hurt like the first time but believe me, you would be able to pick yourself a little quicker than before because of the confidence you gained in yourself through tremendous meditations of loving yourself.
If I were a falling leaf I would have extended my both hands resigning from life with a belief that I’m about to meet my creator. The earth that shifted itself for our roots to grow, is now welcoming me in its bosom. I would happily meet my death knowing I lived a purposeful life.
• The common language among distinct people. This unique connection shatters the barriers among strangers of different & vast background in colleges, offices, workplaces with a single line, “Chai pini hai?”
• Its calming effect. We can’t deny the way tea satiates our soul and not just the taste buds.
• Gossips with your mother over a chai in fresh mornings, hit differently.
• Nothing against the Coffee but the homely feeling chai enfolds in its warmth is otherworldly.
• The way you feel proud and are punished at the same time if you make the best tea in home. It always comes down to ‘You make good tea. You do it.’
• If you’re someone who is little socially inept then you’d be happy going into kitchen and making chai while your mother is attending to guests. And tea makes it bearable to have polite talks with them, afterwards.
• There is no particular season for having tea. Though, winters top the chart but Every season is chai season. Atleast for me
• How cleverly chai reduces the difference between the rich and the poor and the way it breaks the ice with a small but heartily talk with one another.
• The only streaming I enjoy is the hot steaming cup of tea in the morning. But then there is ‘shaam ki chai’ after ‘subah ki chai.’
• Warm hugs and hot tea are always welcomed.
• If drinking lot of chai opens the gate of hell, I’d proudly be the protector of the doors, welcoming the others, for I know I won’t be alone there.
Benevolence with innocence dripping smiles of trust. A hand held in distress with such purity of love. Through those powerful, pure intent I saw the beauty in this world. A warm and unmoving faith curing the nerves of a cold heart.
——–
This is a tribute to that soul who was so pure, so giving in nature. She was my school teacher, my favorite one and she passed away yesterday. This malicious virus engulfed her too. An exceptional mathematician with a heart of gold. I was always interested in studies and was inclined towards giving Entrance exams after my 12th std but we couldn’t afford all the Prep books/material at that point in time. Something that I never said to her explicitly, I don’t know how she understood but she came in front of my class loaded with fat paperbacks, called me out and handed me all the books (apart from our textbooks) so I’d have enough material to study. I can’t forget that day. I felt so ashamed thinking ‘Do I even deserve this?’ But I studied harder to do justice to the belief she had put in me. This is just one instance, and that too with me. She always went beyond for her students Years later she met my mother in the market and when my mom told her that I completed the engineering and landed myself a good, stable job, her happiness knew no bounds. She was so excited to hear it. She was a strong, independent, pure, bubbly and positive lady. Why god is obsessed with taking away good people, I’d never understand. Wish I could meet her one more time to thank her for everything. Thanks for believing in me. Rest in Peace, Ma’m. You are being dearly missed.
My lover narrowed his eyes at me for being petty in jealousy. He picked me up on his shoulders, slapped on my ass while climbing the stairs to our room, threw me on the bed and made me realise how fucking amused he was by my jealousy.
