Poetry

• 

I hold your hand when no one else does.
I translate your vague thoughts into words.
A partner in silence 
A balm to your wounds.
The one who fills the blanks in your life.

Hear me out, today!

• 

Unrequited Love :
(noun)
– Being in love with someone who does not, and will never, love you back.

Do the words “will never love you back” not make you think of being stranded at crossroads with no intention of choosing which way to go where you could win your favorite person along with their hearts? The seed of love that grew inside, ignorant that the world is already filled with beautiful and ever-giving trees, never dwelled upon how this little plant will endure the storm of refusals.
Loving someone with no hope of being loved back is an act of bravery and foolishness in itself. Something no less than a punishment.

You pluck a piece of your heart, offer it to them but that piece starts mourning itself for being unwanted & rotten for too long.
There are no rainbows, unicorns, scarlet skies, skewed snowfalls in one-sided love yet there are all present because you don’t expect the other person to return your love and you witness all the feelings of love standing and looking at them from afar.
They say when you are in love with someone you can’t be friends with them. But in amidst of all these sayings, you choose what your heart desires. If you can still see them, talk to them in the pretense of friendship ,and don’t expect anything else out of this except their presence then you experience togetherness and loneliness all at the same time but it’s still worth it. There might be a mask of a labeled relationship but their smiles are worth millions of poems you still want to read.

That is the happy bubble you create for yourself along with the anticipated memories of your lover.
With growing anticipations, sometimes emerges the desire to confess in moving one step further. You know it, yet muster up courage only to be rejected bearing no menace towards them. A sign of enormous strength and pure feeling towards that person.
Who do you want to blame Time, situation, yourself, or them?

Broken edges of your heart pierce with the first question “Are you playing a lead role in your own life that you wanted to become one in theirs?”No matter how appalling self-doubt is, tearful eyes still dream of them. All the questions come down to why getting involved when you thought it won’t yield anything? Why take risks when it’s dangerous? Why even bother living when you have to die eventually.
But we just don’t know how to run away from situations we are meant to face, or from people we love and this one-sided love makes us reach the epitome of wait and patience. We are brave knowing how scary our loneliness in loving the one who’d never be a part of our life.

Unrequited Love has got more cons than pros but one good thing is you would know when to call it off. You would be the boss of your feelings to end it when.
There will be tons of articles on the internet, pieces of advice from your friends but you are going to move when your heart will have its fill of waiting around.

• 

My mother’s kitchen is like

a symbol of boldness and acceptance.
Stove of valor that cooks the hottest meals pinches itself whenever it burns her.
Fascinating utensils that hold the substance but only they know how empty they are.
The doors of cupboards have been broken long ago but nobody  pays attention to that since no one enters her kitchen,
just like her heart.
The smoke summons her own childhood when she sat with her mother, the last time she was spoiled.
The food prepared is worth defying the restaurant cuisines but ofcourse it fails her at the garnishing, with its jazzy
exterior look.
Her kitchen is like a rose with its thorns, keeping people at bay. It’s a place where she fights alone, in her mind.
With the fuel, the fire, the flames, the fuming question
why only she was subjected to this tiled war room.

• 

To the writer in me
You are no less
than a businessman.
Selling emotions
for just few words.

Metaphors with blunt edges,
Verses of your affair with solitude,
Words like scratched knees,
Rhymes of unheard voices,
Lyrics like the essence of Grandma’s pickle,
Limericks with lavender folklores,
Poems of used pens at sunset,
Ode to eccentric emotions keeping sane,

A piece of poetry coated in paints of love and pain
exhibited as the canvas of emotions.
We sell all.

**Writers sell emotions**

• 

How can I do this to you?

How do I give love to you
when I am in search of finding it for myself.
All the truckload of love I had within
I showered onto so many
like snowflakes & confetti.
The myriad pieces touched
maximum of masses
resting on different parts of their body
calming their nerves down,
but emptying me at the same time.
The barter system I didn’t anticipate.

Now that they are gone
I’ve got to find those pieces of myself
to complete the puzzle again.
Some pieces that got burnt
stings my hand the moment I touch it,
some got soaked in materialistic waves
& forgot their real shape,
some got crushed under cracked concrete
forgetting their own needs,
& few that I might not
to be able to find it ever.

And to create those
new,brave mini me(s)
I have to rave in solitude,
crack open my bottled up emotions,
gulp the shame of disappointment,
forgive myself for a heart big as a crater,
& mingle with my soul again.
Those parts I weave
must have the shadows of polite past
with a lesson learned in present.
Not sure how long
will this renaissance take.

How can I make you wait when I know
how waiting for someone,feels.
Even though I understand your heart
what if those new pieces don’t want you, ever!
How can I do this to you when I have
gone through that pain myself?

I would be betraying even before
I commit myself to you.
How can I love when I am an empty vessel still trying to fill?

What they see isn’t always true.
I’ve been hiding the burning, dying
parts of me in my hands behind my back
wearing a broad smile in front.
I have been precariously walking forward
but they complain of me marching backwards
and sometimes I believe them.
The struggle they don’t understand
The smile I wear to keep my foothold.

I don’t wish to trash anyone with my agony
I don’t wish to burden anyone
under my emotional breakdown.
Not even you!
If you enter my life at this point
I might lean on you completely.
You might even help me heal
but I feel that would be temporary.
And, if after I heal I might
leave & seek something
that attracts my new mosaic soul.
Or worse,
I might not be able to leave
& stay with you in a loveless bond
feeling obliged to be with you
because you were with me in my sour times.
That would be toxic.

How can I do this to you?
How can I do this to myself?

• 

Have you ever closely looked at
the burning fire?
Crackling in an open furnace
like a campfire or a fireplace.
Attracting you with
its wavy blazing flares.
Holding enormous power
to burn anything in the vicinity
but stays confined within the limits.
The mightiness to destroy
yet provides you the warmth.

When you look into it
you feel that power within
Something burning inside you,
Something moving you
towards meaningful
that has not been cultivated yet.
The unique magic of fire
melting walls and penetrating into you
in form of tiny veins
unlocking a spectator,
an observer inside you.

It opens a chamber of your mind
where there is too much wisdom
you aren’t aware of yet.
Looks like your soul knows it too.
The answers you had been looking for
so you start following that gut.
Forgetting about the world!
You find there is so much unexplored
And you wish to dig it all open;
The parts you rarely visit.

It could be your higher self.
Not the Highest One(yet)
Like an Attic,
It’s rarely used.
But so much stored in there.
You visit only when you need it.

Sometimes your subconscious calls you out
when it sees you struggling,
It understands you need something,
it understands the void you’re trying to fill
but that won’t be available in the outside world.
And hence, makes you visit.

And after this Self-Realisation
for a fleeting moment
all comes to halt.
You are so moved by that power
That you push yourself through it again,
You wish to enter that trance again
but it doesn’t happen.

Similar to an episode of any series.
When it ends you know you have to wait
till it airs again.
That’s all you are supposed to know at the moment.
And you make a truce with it

In same way,the door has been closed now
And wants you to stay put for a while.

I believe Nature holds that power.
The world we are trying to build outside,
Nature has the power to showcase that world
we have already built inside us
but aren’t aware of it.
It gives us directions from time to time,
answers to our confusions,
enriching us with ideas if seeking any.
That focus, that thinking, that looking does wonders inside us.
It’s weird but pleasurable.

That’s why they say. You reflect what you feel within.

I have fallen out of

the hurricanes that passed in my mind without you,
the hallucinations of us being together,
the concept of distance that sometimes thousand miles are much easier to cover if they wish to but not a single step forward even if you beseech them,
the hurt that we won’t be getting old together,
the endings to realise there is none because
life goes on in circles of beginning and ending.

I have fallen out
of all except the grief
that still takes me
back to you
back to us
resting as one soul.

I was raised with
fairytales in heart and
sword in hands.

• 

Between these pages I hide
the exquisite scars we read like poetry,
the smell of home we found in an abandoned city,
our ageless sunrise together,
the verses that held us together,
the collarbone kisses of fairytales,
the hue of beginnings,
the anticipation of endings.
We swirled around our dreams,
now safely tucked in these pages.

• 

I am intrigued by these preaching day in and day out (I have a feeling so would other people) so I dug a little bit deeper about self-love.
Does anyone realize it’s a real struggle for people with insecurities, inhibitions, prolonged fears or abandonment issues? Their sinful habit of over-thinking the scenarios, reliving the embarrassing moments, being the cause of a mishap, unconsciously putting themselves under the victim’s light makes it impossible to reach the road of well-being.

It’s a hard-nut for people who have hit rock bottom or going through a worse heartbreak or have been deceived by their close ones. They don’t punish others. They punish themselves. They forget how it feels to love oneself.
This leads me to the other parameter which is needed to be considered before you set yourself on a journey of self-love.
‘Journey!’ I said journey because I realized this is an ongoing process and not a single destination that you reach once and it’s over. You got to find yourself again and again whenever you are caught amidst the desert of sorrows, dejections or miseries.
Every time life throws a mishap, a tragedy or a disaster we forget to put ourselves first and reach the bottomless bottoms where we keep on drowning without seeing any ray of hope.

This leads me to the other parameter which is needed to be considered before you set yourself on a journey of self-love.
‘Journey!’ I said journey because I realized this is an ongoing process and not a single destination that you reach once and it’s over. You got to find yourself again and again whenever you are caught amidst the desert of sorrows, dejections or miseries.
Every time life throws a mishap, a tragedy or a disaster we forget to put ourselves first and reach the bottomless bottoms where we keep on drowning without seeing any ray of hope.

The other and the most important pointer for me is when people say ‘Accept me the way I am’. I find this as a half-truth.
To love yourself you have to truly accept yourself. Accepting yourself comes with a dare of improving and working on the toxic straits you bear.
Ever happened to you that you met someone and disliked them instantly? Not because they did something wrong to you, nor they carried any ill vibes towards you. But you just disliked them for no apparent reason.
Well, it happened to me. I kept on thinking, kept on introspecting why am I bearing a sudden disgust towards that person? Then I got an answer. I saw all those habits, patterns, traits that I never liked in myself. I didn’t like the mirror I was made to see. Things I should have changed or work upon but instead ignored and glorified it saying ‘This is the way I am, can’t help it.’ Deep down I knew it but never acknowledged it until I worked upon it.

When you face yourself you clearly see those toxic traits. Turn of events; this is where you don’t hate yourself, or run away from or ignore them. The only way to get rid of the self-loathing episodes is to face it and fight it.
Its very easy to accept the best parts of yours but it takes enormous guts to accept those ugliest ones and an undaunted belief that you can work upon those to improve yourself.
Your behavior, mannerisms, clean habits, healthy boundaries, conduct towards yourself and others; all these are in your control.
And anything else that apart from these like the appearances, statures, anything which isn’t in your control that must be truly accepted, respected by you and cherished by the people around. And I have seen that happens automatically when you fill your brain with knowledge, wisdom, and intellect and that your positivity is pouring out of you and people do love company, feel comfortable in your aura no matter how you look.

This brings me to my next theme.

Narcissism v/s Self-love

The thin line difference between being consumed by one’s appearance, qualities, vanity V/S a state of appreciating oneself that helps your physical, psychological and spiritual growth.
Narcissism or self-absorption, according to me is an egotistical state where one deems oneself as superior and discard even the constructive criticism which, for certain, helps become a better person. The ‘Room for improvement’, kind of, doesn’t exist there and the lack of path of acceptance where one thinks so highly of oneself that they don’t realize that they are making other people feel inferior. Showing off strength to intimidate them and not to motivate them

– To be a part of yourself, you have to get rid of your own toxicity.

This post isn’t any guideline on how to love oneself. That you’re going to figure it out yourself. Because each one has their different version of taking care of their physical & mental health. This is the interlude of experiences I had, observed, inferred and so felt, must be shared.
I had once reached the highest peak where I loved, cherished, and respected myself so much that some hurdles literally felt like tiny bumps in the road I could easily cross through my gained confidence. Then came the dark times where I hated myself, cringed for being so emotional and wanted the pain to end because I felt I am too weak to handle it.

Then an inner voice jolted me. “You did it before, you can do it again.” It dawned upon me then that those tiny, daily practices of self-love will be required as long as we breathe. And we must because taking care of ourselves is solely our responsibility.
Why? Like nobody else can eat on our behalf, nor can they breathe, or pray, or exercise; no one can exercise the mind on our behalf. It’s our work to get rid of our own toxicity or the toxic people around us.
Stop defending the abuser thinking it was your fault that you expected, that you overreacted. Or you were too sensitive. Let toxic people go and if not that, you walk out on them. They aren’t good for your mental peace. And those who truly love you they would want you to choose yourself first.
You are responsible to mend your heart. And once you start that journey, people around will understand.
They will support your dreams, your passion and most importantly your mental health. They would not want you to drown in the sheets of depression.

And if you don’t have anyone right now, at least you have yourself.

I am encapsulating lots of positive energy in this write-up. So derive from it as much as you want, read it again & again if it comforts you. Reach the level of self-love, feel the amazing power when you improves yourself. It’s intoxicating but in a positive way.
It’s okay to feel sad, angry, anxious, panicky and allowing yourself to feel all this is another form of self-healing. It’s okay to have a negative or a dark side. Accept those. Just don’t feed them too much, don’t let that harm you.

There is nothing truer than this, you can’t keep people around happy unless you keep yourself happy and fulfilled.
I know now, Self-love is a continual journey that doesn’t halt. But once you get a taste of it you would never want to stop. There would be heartaches at every turn of life and its going to hurt like the first time but believe me, you would be able to pick yourself a little quicker than before because of the confidence you gained in yourself through tremendous meditations of loving yourself.