How can I do this to you??

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How can I do this to you?

How do I give love to you
when I am in search of finding it for myself.
All the truckload of love I had within
I showered onto so many
like snowflakes & confetti.
The myriad pieces touched
maximum of masses
resting on different parts of their body
calming their nerves down,
but emptying me at the same time.
The barter system I didn’t anticipate.

Now that they are gone
I’ve got to find those pieces of myself
to complete the puzzle again.
Some pieces that got burnt
stings my hand the moment I touch it,
some got soaked in materialistic waves
& forgot their real shape,
some got crushed under cracked concrete
forgetting their own needs,
& few that I might not
to be able to find it ever.

And to create those
new,brave mini me(s)
I have to rave in solitude,
crack open my bottled up emotions,
gulp the shame of disappointment,
forgive myself for a heart big as a crater,
& mingle with my soul again.
Those parts I weave
must have the shadows of polite past
with a lesson learned in present.
Not sure how long
will this renaissance take.

How can I make you wait when I know
how waiting for someone,feels.
Even though I understand your heart
what if those new pieces don’t want you, ever!
How can I do this to you when I have
gone through that pain myself?

I would be betraying even before
I commit myself to you.
How can I love when I am an empty vessel still trying to fill?

What they see isn’t always true.
I’ve been hiding the burning, dying
parts of me in my hands behind my back
wearing a broad smile in front.
I have been precariously walking forward
but they complain of me marching backwards
and sometimes I believe them.
The struggle they don’t understand
The smile I wear to keep my foothold.

I don’t wish to trash anyone with my agony
I don’t wish to burden anyone
under my emotional breakdown.
Not even you!
If you enter my life at this point
I might lean on you completely.
You might even help me heal
but I feel that would be temporary.
And, if after I heal I might
leave & seek something
that attracts my new mosaic soul.
Or worse,
I might not be able to leave
& stay with you in a loveless bond
feeling obliged to be with you
because you were with me in my sour times.
That would be toxic.

How can I do this to you?
How can I do this to myself?