Between these pages I hide
the exquisite scars we read like poetry,
the smell of home we found in an abandoned city,
our ageless sunrise together,
the verses that held us together,
the collarbone kisses of fairytales,
the hue of beginnings,
the anticipation of endings.
We swirled around our dreams,
now safely tucked in these pages.
I am intrigued by these preaching day in and day out (I have a feeling so would other people) so I dug a little bit deeper about self-love.
Does anyone realize it’s a real struggle for people with insecurities, inhibitions, prolonged fears or abandonment issues? Their sinful habit of over-thinking the scenarios, reliving the embarrassing moments, being the cause of a mishap, unconsciously putting themselves under the victim’s light makes it impossible to reach the road of well-being.
It’s a hard-nut for people who have hit rock bottom or going through a worse heartbreak or have been deceived by their close ones. They don’t punish others. They punish themselves. They forget how it feels to love oneself.
This leads me to the other parameter which is needed to be considered before you set yourself on a journey of self-love.
‘Journey!’ I said journey because I realized this is an ongoing process and not a single destination that you reach once and it’s over. You got to find yourself again and again whenever you are caught amidst the desert of sorrows, dejections or miseries.
Every time life throws a mishap, a tragedy or a disaster we forget to put ourselves first and reach the bottomless bottoms where we keep on drowning without seeing any ray of hope.
This leads me to the other parameter which is needed to be considered before you set yourself on a journey of self-love.
‘Journey!’ I said journey because I realized this is an ongoing process and not a single destination that you reach once and it’s over. You got to find yourself again and again whenever you are caught amidst the desert of sorrows, dejections or miseries.
Every time life throws a mishap, a tragedy or a disaster we forget to put ourselves first and reach the bottomless bottoms where we keep on drowning without seeing any ray of hope.
The other and the most important pointer for me is when people say ‘Accept me the way I am’. I find this as a half-truth.
To love yourself you have to truly accept yourself. Accepting yourself comes with a dare of improving and working on the toxic straits you bear.
Ever happened to you that you met someone and disliked them instantly? Not because they did something wrong to you, nor they carried any ill vibes towards you. But you just disliked them for no apparent reason.
Well, it happened to me. I kept on thinking, kept on introspecting why am I bearing a sudden disgust towards that person? Then I got an answer. I saw all those habits, patterns, traits that I never liked in myself. I didn’t like the mirror I was made to see. Things I should have changed or work upon but instead ignored and glorified it saying ‘This is the way I am, can’t help it.’ Deep down I knew it but never acknowledged it until I worked upon it.
When you face yourself you clearly see those toxic traits. Turn of events; this is where you don’t hate yourself, or run away from or ignore them. The only way to get rid of the self-loathing episodes is to face it and fight it.
Its very easy to accept the best parts of yours but it takes enormous guts to accept those ugliest ones and an undaunted belief that you can work upon those to improve yourself.
Your behavior, mannerisms, clean habits, healthy boundaries, conduct towards yourself and others; all these are in your control.
And anything else that apart from these like the appearances, statures, anything which isn’t in your control that must be truly accepted, respected by you and cherished by the people around. And I have seen that happens automatically when you fill your brain with knowledge, wisdom, and intellect and that your positivity is pouring out of you and people do love company, feel comfortable in your aura no matter how you look.
This brings me to my next theme.
Narcissism v/s Self-love
The thin line difference between being consumed by one’s appearance, qualities, vanity V/S a state of appreciating oneself that helps your physical, psychological and spiritual growth.
Narcissism or self-absorption, according to me is an egotistical state where one deems oneself as superior and discard even the constructive criticism which, for certain, helps become a better person. The ‘Room for improvement’, kind of, doesn’t exist there and the lack of path of acceptance where one thinks so highly of oneself that they don’t realize that they are making other people feel inferior. Showing off strength to intimidate them and not to motivate them
– To be a part of yourself, you have to get rid of your own toxicity.
This post isn’t any guideline on how to love oneself. That you’re going to figure it out yourself. Because each one has their different version of taking care of their physical & mental health. This is the interlude of experiences I had, observed, inferred and so felt, must be shared.
I had once reached the highest peak where I loved, cherished, and respected myself so much that some hurdles literally felt like tiny bumps in the road I could easily cross through my gained confidence. Then came the dark times where I hated myself, cringed for being so emotional and wanted the pain to end because I felt I am too weak to handle it.
Then an inner voice jolted me. “You did it before, you can do it again.” It dawned upon me then that those tiny, daily practices of self-love will be required as long as we breathe. And we must because taking care of ourselves is solely our responsibility.
Why? Like nobody else can eat on our behalf, nor can they breathe, or pray, or exercise; no one can exercise the mind on our behalf. It’s our work to get rid of our own toxicity or the toxic people around us.
Stop defending the abuser thinking it was your fault that you expected, that you overreacted. Or you were too sensitive. Let toxic people go and if not that, you walk out on them. They aren’t good for your mental peace. And those who truly love you they would want you to choose yourself first.
You are responsible to mend your heart. And once you start that journey, people around will understand.
They will support your dreams, your passion and most importantly your mental health. They would not want you to drown in the sheets of depression.
And if you don’t have anyone right now, at least you have yourself.
I am encapsulating lots of positive energy in this write-up. So derive from it as much as you want, read it again & again if it comforts you. Reach the level of self-love, feel the amazing power when you improves yourself. It’s intoxicating but in a positive way.
It’s okay to feel sad, angry, anxious, panicky and allowing yourself to feel all this is another form of self-healing. It’s okay to have a negative or a dark side. Accept those. Just don’t feed them too much, don’t let that harm you.
There is nothing truer than this, you can’t keep people around happy unless you keep yourself happy and fulfilled.
I know now, Self-love is a continual journey that doesn’t halt. But once you get a taste of it you would never want to stop. There would be heartaches at every turn of life and its going to hurt like the first time but believe me, you would be able to pick yourself a little quicker than before because of the confidence you gained in yourself through tremendous meditations of loving yourself.
If I were a falling leaf
I would have extended
my both hands
resigning from life
with a belief
that I’m about to meet
my creator.
The earth that
shifted itself
for our roots
to grow,
is now welcoming
me in its bosom.
I would happily
meet my death
knowing I lived
a purposeful life.
Happy international day for biological diversity
• The common language among distinct people. This unique connection shatters the barriers among strangers of different & vast background in colleges, offices, workplaces with a single line, “Chai pini hai?”
• Its calming effect. We can’t deny the way tea satiates our soul and not just the taste buds.
• Gossips with your mother over a chai in fresh mornings, hit differently.
• Nothing against the Coffee but the homely feeling chai enfolds in its warmth is otherworldly.
• The way you feel proud and are punished at the same time if you make the best tea in home.
It always comes down to ‘You make good tea. You do it.’
• If you’re someone who is little socially inept then you’d be happy going into kitchen and making chai while your mother is attending to guests. And tea makes it bearable to have polite talks with them, afterwards.
• There is no particular season for having tea. Though, winters top the chart but Every season is chai season. Atleast for me
• How cleverly chai reduces the difference between the rich and the poor and the way it breaks the ice with a small but heartily talk with one another.
• The only streaming I enjoy is the hot steaming cup of tea in the morning.
But then there is ‘shaam ki chai’ after ‘subah ki chai.’
• Warm hugs and hot tea are always welcomed.
• If drinking lot of chai opens the gate of hell, I’d proudly be the protector of the doors, welcoming the others, for I know I won’t be alone there.
Rest all of you, Heaven awaits you
For me!! Chai is love. Chai is our booze
Happy International Tea Day!!
Benevolence with innocence
dripping smiles of trust.
A hand held in distress
with such purity of love.
Through those powerful, pure intent
I saw the beauty in this world.
A warm and unmoving faith
curing the nerves
of a cold heart.
——–
This is a tribute to that soul who was so pure, so giving in nature. She was my school teacher, my favorite one and she passed away yesterday. This malicious virus engulfed her too. An exceptional mathematician with a heart of gold.
I was always interested in studies and was inclined towards giving Entrance exams after my 12th std but we couldn’t afford all the Prep books/material at that point in time. Something that I never said to her explicitly, I don’t know how she understood but she came in front of my class loaded with fat paperbacks, called me out and handed me all the books (apart from our textbooks) so I’d have enough material to study. I can’t forget that day. I felt so ashamed thinking ‘Do I even deserve this?’ But I studied harder to do justice to the belief she had put in me. This is just one instance, and that too with me. She always went beyond for her students
Years later she met my mother in the market and when my mom told her that I completed the engineering and landed myself a good, stable job, her happiness knew no bounds. She was so excited to hear it.
She was a strong, independent, pure, bubbly and positive lady. Why god is obsessed with taking away good people, I’d never understand. Wish I could meet her one more time to thank her for everything. Thanks for believing in me. Rest in Peace, Ma’m. You are being dearly missed.
No one prepares you for the day
when you have to stop telling each detail to that one person you so ardently used to share it with.
Green mahogany dresser wooing me
with its slippery polished surface
to poke you with my pyramid light.
What could I possibly do?
I am just a night lamp!
A piece of gleaming radiance
who had seen you radiating under,
for years so long.
Who had witnessed the care-free sleep
you always had after giggling over a
charismatic hero of your favorite book,
that rested calmly on your torso
taking you skillfully to the dreamland.
As I look down at your face now,
I see a blank, expressionless
sleep-deprived eyes and I miss
betting among my friends here
as I always picked the peak
of your squeaky expressions
to be the best performance
while gawking at the fictional character.
I now witness the chronology of your thoughts
running along with the same patterns;
from picking up your Cellphone from the dresser
to keep it back, disappointed, and those
episodes are endless.
Waiting is hard, isn’t it?
when that gadget doesn’t buzz,
or for the one you’d been waiting for.
I have seen your frustration
turning into brooding sadness
leading to a mournful melancholy.
My pillow-buddy
breaks the news to me every morning
how it got drenched again
the last night after I got turned off.
Why are you so sad, darling?
That’s not how I want to see you.
That’s not how we want to see you
If you feel only your friends care about you,
then ask us.
The things around you feel your sadness too.
They are not able to say
but they miss you the way you were before.
Your original, raw self
rosy lips glistening, eyes twinkling
alongside the characters of the books
in your pretty sturdy hands.
I can emit all if that would make it alright.
My flickering light will try to kiss you goodnight,
the dresser would love to stay stagnant forever
for if you need anything,
the pillow will hold you tighter
in its embrace if warmth is something you missing.
We all will travel from our tiny non-living world
to yours until you feel alright,
until those hands stop shaking
while placing the cellphone
back on the mahogany table.
We all want you back!
Fickle minded people do not deserve you, love!
The boy was sitting in the interrogation room. The inspector cursing and sprinkling spit on the table in-between them.
“Why did you do it?” the Inspector knew he won’t be getting an easy answer. The rebellious eyes of that young boy were silently testifying that he could crash the entire shutters of their pretentious cages with only a blink. Those eyes were full of anger, resentment and his expressions snorting with indignance yet he chose to mock the officer and quizzed him back.
“Why did YOU do it?”
“Do what? We did nothing. You broke into that Vintage-Guitar shop and tried stealing it.”
“Is that what you’re going to write in the report or do you have guts to document the exact scenario?”, retorted the boy.
The Officer went livid. His palm landed harshly on the boy’s cheeks and barked at him for his audacity.
He slapped that lad who was already black and blue after the shop owner and their neighbors found a perfect aim to vent out their day’s frustration.
His face was remarkably red with the current encounter but a devilish smile entered his eyes.
“Youngsters like you are the reason for the doomed society. You want to get easy money so you could party, do drugs, indulge in all sorts of illegal activities and then you blatantly attempt to put us in a bad light?
Do you have guts to be true to yourself?”, demanded the Inspector but was hurt by his own words. The boy could see and so he revealed since the one who arrested him was another officer.
“I was arrested while I was playing the guitar in front of that shop. It was past midnight, the shop was closed. So yes, I crashed the glass wall using a wooden plank not to steal it but to play it. Just one more time before I give it up for forever.”
“What! Is it that hard to buy a Guitar that you have to break-in in someone else’s property and steal it?”, the officer was confused.
“To your surprise, Yes!” The boy continued. “It is hard. It’s very hard to continue art if you’re born poor.
It’s hard when you see your family looking up to you with such expectations to build their future as well
and then those eyes filling up with disappointment because you chose music over studies.
It’s back-breaking that the only basic, second-hand Guitar you could afford and earn working through different part-time jobs, is smashed by your parents in front of you.
It’s unfathomable when you can’t brush your creativity off and it keeps poking at you to be fed while the stomachs around sleep hungry.
It’s exhausting when you know your family understands the weight of your dreams, did everything to protect them but failed before the repulsive weight of poverty.
It’s strenuous when only to pursue music you agree to work in a pub at night and apart from playing the Guitar, they make you do all sorts of odd jobs of waitering, pouring booze in their glasses whole night, moving illegal stuff from one place to another, letting customers be extra-friendly to you. The situation clearly growls of being exploited and abused but the moment you raise your voice against the unfairness you’re rewarded with zero payment and a kick-in-your-buttocks attitude.
I don’t do drugs, Sir. I never got the easy money. I could have stolen if I wanted to but that’s not how I am raised. Yes, the way I let all my frustration out was wrong. But there was nothing else that could calm my soul down amidst the dreadful chaos if I didn’t hold the guitar and sing my pain away.
Charge me with all the bullshit if that gets you with higher-number-of-cases-resolved status.
I don’t care!.”
The officer wasn’t moved. At least he didn’t seem to.
“Look here, Young Man! If you think you are the only one with the hardships then
Welcome to real life!
It’s never going to be easy, nothing is easy but that doesn’t give you an excuse to destroy someone else’s property so you could have your own peace of mind. Pave your way out. If you’re really that determined, the path will find you.”
“I don’t want another lesson”, shrugged the boy.
“Fine, have it your way.” Said the officer putting his hands in the air as a giving-up gesture.
Officer 2 enters the room meanwhile.
“So, what’s up with this lad? He got to pay a hefty fine. I was about to inform his family.”
“Yeah, Yeah! He’s going to pay what he is due.” Said the 1st Officer and both the Inspectors left the room leaving the boy alone with his thoughts.
The boy knew all this was leading to a worse situation. By this time his family would know. He wasn’t afraid of what was to happen to him but what would his parents feel. He kept murmuring in his mind, ‘I am not a bad Son, I am not a bad human being. You raised me well. But things didn’t work out and I messed up. I hope you don’t blame yourself for it.’
The 1st officer came back into the room and handed him few sheets of paper that looked more like forms and asked him to submit them on the front desk. “Go home, and we will call you when we need to settle things.”
The boy was confused now but he took it and moved out of the room to hand it over to the reception area.
“What? Why are you giving me this? There is no such formality and go home. We don’t have time to deal with you.”
The boy thought what sort of dirty little trick he was being played at but slowly stepped out of the station. His fingers gingerly brushed the envelope beneath those forms which he didn’t notice before.
He saw some hard cash nicely pressed in it. Enough to buy a Guitar and some essentials with a note saying:
“Buy that Guitar.
Stay out of trouble!”
The boy sensed and suddenly felt the turmoil after reading those 2 lines and squatted on the same spot.
His head touching his knees, cupping his mouth to silence his painful but happy cry.
“Hollow perceptions and people’s expectations cut wings of the dreamers
yet there are some souls who become their wings.”
I might not be able to write a longer poem this year, Ma
But thanks for all the rebirths you gave
after my every breakdown.