What is this?? This fucking eternal sadness like it has registered itself to my name. There are deliveries at my doorstep I didn’t even order. Stacks of unwanted boxes. One on top of the other. It doesn’t go away.
You know, there are times I don’t like weekends. A little bit of free time and my brain becomes a giant black hole with everything and nothing inside. Swallowing me. And the heart so numb, ignored like an abandoned, dried, dead algae on the walls of a water body. This feeling crushes my body into crumbles that people mistake it for a little, sudden excitement episodes I have.
I make routines, time-tables, workout plans, and believe me, I adhere to it. And then one day, like an anomaly in my utopia, it enters. Stays, for a long long time. Testing me within my routines. I stand still, walk, being busiest in my chores that it suddenly splits the soul into two. One that loves everyone ardently. Other that hates the existence of a tiny strand of living. One that wants to feel every kind of love. Other that feels nothing. At all.
There is a big, ample amount of space where I stand, all alone, lost in thoughts, concentrating on the faulty lines in my hands and I hear someone roar. There is this conveyer belt I see in front of me. With a thud, a big suitcase starts to appear, coming towards me with a relatively fast pace. But I’m lost in the demographics I don’t know well. For sure, won’t survive there for long either. Then I hear a voice,
“Hey, You! Yes you, spaced-out girl. I’m your baggage. Pick me up.”
And I do. Quietly. Politely. Like a nameless slave.
I tread along with this baggage everywhere. I don’t know where to put it down. Too afraid to give it to someone else too. It’s mine, afterall.
Carrying it in a desert, on a spring day, at a party, under the moonlight. Manipulating myself to accept it as a part of me and because of it I exist. Just exist. Like in a file, as a name, a record, a record that won’t even matter after fifty years. And I swear, each time I walk hundred steps with it, two hundred steps afar I go from my home. It’s exhausting.