The story about one (thousand) red door(s).

I have closed one door permanently or at least I think it’s permanent.
Too terrified to knock, let alone have courage to open it.
A crimson, bloody door with strong hinges and hissing sound slipping beneath the space as life quickens itself by me or simply comes to a halt at times.
A ghost, it appears, had been living there. Old as a memory. I wish I could forget its existence but it’s my ghost; tailored to ignite my fears.
Don’t you just wanna smash it down and flee far away?

Memories, doubts, guilt, drowning sirens, insecurities, screams that never found a voice. All residing in one place. Probably, it’s not a single ghost. A cluster of dormant/dominant inhibitions posing as clowns and scaring the shit out of me. I need to learn how to swim out but I fail. So, I just stay there. Pretending that I’m swimming to the safest shore when in actuality I’m drowning. But then I’ve always been good at drowning. My soul being rarely lost, also being so thin to be felt in me.

I had been inhaling the fresh, sun-lit breezes. It’s lighter, breathable. Doesn’t accumulate its heaviness on my cheek. But the moment I’ll crack open that door its toxic smugness will going to invade my lungs, nauseate my yearly-added/practiced affirmations out, suffocate my manifestations, stifle the dreams, all because that ghost could thrive.

I cannot let that happen. I also cannot hold the door longer. It strains my neck, numbs my brain, prevents me from writing, prevents me from living.
Perhaps someone could help me. Perhaps not. You see about help- one has to be okay in asking it. You see, about help- rejection hurts more than punch in your guts. We, the topmost animal of the food-chain, the innocence-eaters, the egotistical beings only thrive when we stay afloat on the surface.
The drowning part is, however, subjective. Sometimes we prefer to die instead of holding their hands.
I feel mankind was doomed to begin with. They say the only time your age progresses is when you are a foetus and afterwards it only reduces. That implies we have had our graves readied since our births. And all this life we keep collecting different red doors, some miracles, some laughters, some mournings, some sunshine before nothingness decides to sit with us at the table and devours us.


It’s August

August seasoned my summer with more raindrops.
I feel less incomplete,
someone with more soul.
The longing doesn’t end though
but the deep pits appear shallow.
As if August could lend a hand
and pick me up from deep valleys.
It’s not that I don’t miss July
But August, It’s preparing me
for less shame and more colors.
Cause soon it will be time for Fall.


Graffiti Renaissance

Today, I saw a kid scrawling graffiti
Well, today I caught a kid expressing
mercilessly on the walls.
What to say—
How does it feel to witness an artist in his/
her artistry form?
I always relished the idea of art in its
process instead of a polished result;
a duckling instead of a swan,
a messy color palette over gracefully-sketched canvas
a mere, timid sapling to a magnificent tree.
Any art in its raw form tells how everything starts weak, disoriented and vague.

We are a part of someone’s process as well;
Perhaps our own.
Somewhat damaged, somewhat
overpainted with layers and layers of
stories, corrections hidden beneath.
The journey of self-breaking and self-making
tainted with love and lessons
trying to reach an end goal with self-discipline
Who’s to say what to become of us…
but being the masters of our brushes
we are as unique as any fine craft
and the burnt marks on the soul
allows us a chance to make our own graffiti.


The (un)commonest charm.

P.C. Pinteres

There is something about men holding an umbrella and carrying a tote bag.

On top of that stepping out of the library wearing the commonest of shirt, white sneakers, no jazzy watch. Being a simplest man, only rich in wisdom through his eyes.


Faith in Spring (Frühlingsglauben)

I hear Schubert’s Frühlingsglauben
and read Uhland’s poetry about
echoing their faith in Spring,
about using leftover optimism and colourfulness of Autumn,
about making the deepest valleys of heart bloom.
And I hear this as melancholia; why?
‘cause Schubert was dying when he wrote this?
‘cause he knew Spring would wander
in and out of major and minor
seemingly, meeting its end one day?
I hear it; with parched lips not cause of the
Summer’s tapestry of fire but
‘cause your lips left mine for another season,
for a better, rainless sky.

‘Have faith in spring’, they said.
It’s a wasted breath when I couldn’t convince them you were my spring.
And I used to crawl back to your heartbeat to bloom.
Oh, my poor heart, learn to live with this fear
of seasons ending
of impending danger
How could two seasons ever be together?
at the same time ?
The Cold has to die to meet the Bloom.
Wish I knew before,

Because darling, you were Spring.
And I was a cold cold winter night.


Note : On my journey of learning German I stumble upon different words and phrases everyday. I was listening to a composition by an extremely prolific composer Franz Schubert – Frühlingsglaube
which translates to Spring Faith or faith in Spring that eventually made me read Johann Ludwig Uhland’s poetry for the same composition and I was moved by the meaning of the words. Couldn’t help but write about it too in scorching summer

Don’t use feelings!

“I figured out what you meant by saying —I don’t use feelings until that’s the only thing left to use.
Would you call me a spendthrift if that’s all I spent to be with people. Sometimes, even money. So they stay with me, as an obligation. I think no one would hit an emotional lowest than when admitting the bribe we give people so they could find reasons to stay. How cruelly manipulative of us to make them do this. How manipulative I could be? But not using feelings and emotions is an abuse too. Someone who wanted to be around you without any given reason waits and waits for your emotional opening but never gets it. What is worse -making someone stay with a promised candy every now & then Or being oblivious of the feelings of a person who wants to stay with you without rationality or logic?”


Preachings running out!

Preach preach preach!
from filled pockets
and empty brains.
With unscathed heart
and untethered emotions.
Sided by parallel friends,
attentive as bread crumbs
asking to ‘just move on’.

With double skin,
houses on higher ground
preaching ‘not to drown’.

With dried pillows and
shadows never patrolling at 3am
urging ‘not to grate brains and sleep’.

If they knew Hurt
the way a burning paper
recedes in front of a matchstick.
If they knew Wound
as an unasked excavation of land
with mostly dirt and barely a treasure
If they knew Heartache
they’d would know
why some turn into wolves,
finding comfort in being
dangerous and to howl all alone;
all ’cause of the lack of help
and not to bite back the world.