Would I still be biased
If October wasn’t my month?
I don’t know but I tend
to open up at fall.
October is like a
long Friday evening,
a free therapist,
manifestation of a
dreamy fictional character.
It’s uncruel, satin;
the winter’s sun.
©kanikachugh
There is a flesh of beginnings hanging by my window frame. It stinks and I do not throw it away. It could be the past. Every muse of mine loves to reside in past and I am the water.
Water carries memories. Memories make muse come alive,
and the muse tells me how much they live in me. More than me.
I used to stay awake all night, ripping my heart out, stitching their broken part, decaying in apocalyptic poems, writing healing words about them. Every time I rekindled their soul with magnificent words, I burnt a part of me like innocent witches. Every time I wrote about them I crossed a threshold that eyed me the next time I entered, for not being the same person anymore.
They say this is the beginning but the past never leaves. It lives in present, in ashtrays and in last goodbyes. And it lives on my tongue, on my skin, on my fingertips. How to ever taste something else?
I am telling you, I am my checkmate. No one ended me like I did and they say it’s a beginning. It’s an Irish temptation with a warm whiskey and iridescent culture but the cold is bound to come back.
The foul smell from my windows will enter my room and I will know these beginnings reek of the same past I threw away like cigarette butts. I’ll know how many words hungrily march towards a new muse but me. But I am tired. I am so fucking tired of making everyone else my muse. It’s gonna be me. Just me. The evil, starving, lack of love, Me!
I wanna see how many romantic gestures I adorn myself with or with grotesque description concealed in beautiful ceilings; where I face myself legitimately. It is just about gaining the momentum in destroying anything using words.
This Monday, I’d see how much of a wicked sense I can make about writing myself.
©kanikachugh
Go home.
Love’s been heavy.
Glory is loaded
with lead and loneliness.
Go find your dinner table.
Use the salt shaker
by the candlelight.
Don’t fret about being a hero.
Be a Sunday in your place.
Find a broken mixer to fix it.
You’re already a 10.
Life ain’t easy.
So, go easy on yourself.
Visit your fireplace.
Burn your disasters.
Be unburdened.
At times, lazy.
It’s allowed.
And sleep with the
Sun in your mind.
Throw away your phone.
Place your nightmares
behind the curtains.
Let it drop anguish like
droplets from a wet umbrella.
Close your eyes
and be home.
Your breaths are
someone’s prayers answered.
So, go. Run home .
You’re always needed
without any condition,
without any reason.
Go back.
May you find
those melting arms.
©kanikachugh
I am here, baby
I’m here.
I’m gonna stay
despite the dust,
more than the August.
I’m here to
celebrate your happy times
Or when you slow down.
I’m here to laugh with you
in a smaller town
or at Disneyland.
I’m here for you, baby
And I’ll stay
like October dramatic boredom.
Oversharing kills me but I met some cute weirdos who doesn’t make me feel bad about it.
My anxiousness has an expiry date. Until it returns with a new, refined one.
I’d be shrinking down and curling up in my bed all day log and yet be keeping hope near the pillow to win in life.
Nothing beats the sleep with a book hugging your chest. (Ofcourse after Ma’s lap)
Hobbies help you escape/overcome heartache.
Hurt can feel very personal sometimes. Big or small, doesn’t matter.
The softness of my voice can make someone’s day instead of screaming my pain out without realising what they are going through.
Capture/watch as much of Sunrises and Sunsets as possible. They cure you.
Family, friends, Bangtan truly have helped me get over toughest of times. I would work really hard to give it back to all of them.
©kanikachugh
Did you see my immature impulsion?
Did you see me swiftly jumping into
conversations to save you behind your back?
Did you notice my urge to drape a
Saree instead of a short skirt
because you folded that page in a magazine?
Did you see me stopping mid-meal
when your tongue folded my name nicely?
Did you see me tremble under a single umbrella
and your gaze drizzling on my body?
Did you see me smiling at a stranger
because their hand movements matched yours?
If you did then tell me,
why am I cold in summer?
Why do I fall in spring?
Why does it rain heavily at night?
I did it all. Must you be so cruel in spite of all?
Did you see me getting adjusted in the
back of your car now, just to be with you?
Did you see my nails painted white, a cry for help?
Did you see me layering shimmer
when the glow was gone?
Did you see me walking confidently
towards you when my ground was shaking?
Did you see me how immaturely and
insanely I was in love with you?
I am growing up. Be more mature now.
And I’ll love in sanity and moderation.
That’s the worst kind of love for me.
©kanikachugh
Reading your favourite quote or poetry to them.
Feeding a morsel to them.
Sing in your voice to cheer them up.
Making trinkets/souvenir from the scratch.
A personal message on their birthdays.
Walking them to the door at the end of evening.
Leaving little notes around.
Suprising them with a hand-made dish.
Knowing how to keep a promise.
I am a carousel girl
I pass by
swiftly
quietly
cat steps.
You might not notice.
I revolve around
circling in your thoughts.
My dreams reduced
Carnival, waltz and you.
I push
exert
fall
around you
looking like someone in love
in a white shirt and a red beret.
And I chase colors,
fairytales,
hands.
I played
You played
Time moved on
My address stamped.
20th July,
carnival evening, 6:30.
Yes, I still live there
mute
cat steps
stealthy.
I pass by.
I will pass by
one day.
But till then
Must I go round and round
and yet be fixated in one memory?
©kanikachugh
There is only so much a person can do. It’s not your fault. You are just a responsible person.
Responsibility in itself sounds a heavy word that shrieks of an unannounced oath of putting others before you. But what if I say this feeling is growing unhealthily for you, in you. It has become so imperative for you to keep them protected that you have forgotten you need protection too. You need to be loved too.
Being responsible is really hard. You are sure everything is lying on your shoulders. You can’t catch a break. You can’t afford to commit mistakes but are expected to ignore other’s. You are always the one looking out for others whether those are younger or older to you. People slack around you knowing you’d handle everything. That is flattering only to a point when it’s not draining you out anymore. When you ignore these signs you put yourself under unnecessary burdens and stress. You can never fully relax. Your routines, priorities, organising things for others, piking up other’s shit can make you forget your own dreams and aspirations.
All I wanna say is take it easy. Don’t lose sleep over it. It’s gonna be okay. You are going to go through it so don’t kill yourself over it. Let others take up some of your burden. Start to share. Let them learn by their mistakes. Be there for them, just don’t spoon-feed. Otherwise there would be lot of unsaid resentment that will make you bitter and your energy around. Take help when it’s offered. Ask if there is none. Don’t be shy. Make time for your dreams. Do activities you like doing. Be responsible, trustworthy but surround yourself with people who’d have your back too. Find a balance between duties and living a life.
You are doing enough. You are enough.
It’s not the phrase but actually your voice that makes me believe everything is gonna be fine.