Free Writings

I am sorry that I am dark

Posted on by Kanika

I am sorry that I am dark…

I am sorry that I am capable of drawing the worst emotions out of you and place them in front of you, making you go livid over your own mirror image.
I am sorry for those spiteful comebacks against your most indecent, unfair speculations you whip me up with because I don’t shut up after being constantly hurt.
I am sorry for laying out the most venomous path from blocking you coming back into my life when your tongue developed a nasty taste of maligning a respectable person.
I am sorry for turning cold after you subjected me to sadistic weather denouncing me every now & then so you could easily hide your guilt from yourself.
Do I really have to be sorry?

I saw, at a very tender age, how humans are.
My father’s body placed in a funeral pyre;
people crying, people screaming;
people pretending to cry, people pretending to scream in pain.
Who would have thought what a 6-year-old could notice?
This turned out to be another gathering for you
the moment things were over,
the jolly lines of a personal sitcom started.
My mother had the toughest time dealing with it
but all you wanted was for her to stay immersed in her sorrows and never get up.
She knew the blabbermouths around her won’t feed her children
so she mustered up every ounce of her trampled courage
to go to work the very next day
and disregarded all the eyes prying into her bold actions.
The sulking heads kept scowling as to how quickly
she forgot to mourn and stepped outside the home.
For a little girl, it was admirable but I noticed everyone’s reactions
oblivious that they are being decoded.

I thought people would applaud her for being brave and strong,
instead, it made me realize the joy people dwell in
in pulling others down who want to climb out and do something better for themselves.
The darkest parts of human behavior I never intended to face at that age.
The way they talked behind her back,
the way they were jealous
Men because of her valor,
women because of her fearlessness.

I kept asking myself why would anyone be offended?
She is only trying to feed her family rather than asking for help,
or begging or victimizing herself
when she has been struck hard by her doomed fate in her prime.

I am sorry I grew darker with each rendezvous with humans,
when people secretly took pleasure in seeing others in pain and constant suffering.
I developed trust issues when in front of people
they smiled at me & said
“consider me like your father”
but turned a blind eye like I never existed the moment crowd disappeared.

I realized even my darkest parts
were shards of honest lights that still
knew about keeping the words.
My bones didn’t know the hypocrisy to
turn away from own blood.

My mother, that one person
who kept pouring in through the
tiny crevices of my open wounds;
the meaning of honesty, loyalty,
kindness & love and gradually
nursing it back to feel something;
while boldly ignoring that her whole existence
had been put under fire by that Lord
and how are we going to survive
in this vile world, was still the biggest question.
But she didn’t flinch while answering it, for certain.
Never once she responded back harshly to the haters; as to her one’s life & personality is what they make of it.

I am sorry for some of my darkest remnants that still
managed to hide somewhere that embrace
me when at any moment I am made to stand
in front of vicious thoughts again without ever
trying to intentionally hurt someone.
That darkness is much more comforting
than your sneaky glitters.

I chose kindness because I want to do good by that one person who could always find magic in living.
I chose kindness after accepting reality,
not out of weakness.

But to some people,
Sorry
but I am not sorry for being dark.

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Happy International Women’s Day

Posted on by Kanika


Happy International Women’s Day to all the lovely ladies and to all the Men loving, supporting and respecting her.

I feel I can proudly say today, I’m a woman I would have loved to look upto when I was younger. But I couldn’t have done it all alone. I had an army of strong women building this platform for me from generations to generations,
plenty of profound men in my family trusting & respecting my decisions, my will, my dreams that made me
who I am today.
There is no other way I could’ve turned out than being strong, confident, independent and inspirational. I have learnt from so many people that I wish to give back as much as I can.
I keep transforming myself, I keep taking risks (no matter small/big), I keep improving myself so that one day I could inspire someone.

I’m opinionated,
I’m strong-minded,
I’m soft-hearted,
I chase my goals well,
I’m driven by passion,
I can balance out things well,
I don’t play victim,
I take responsibility of my actions
And above all I believe in kindness and upliftment of others as much as of  myself.

And I’m sure many women around you would share same qualities. Many men around would share the same qualities.
Let’s not shame someone for being soft-hearted.
Let’s not blame someone for being goal-oriented.
When someone hurts another intentionally, it doesn’t define a gender. It shows what sort of human those are.
The ones who are too broken that they like inflicting pain on others. Wish them healing and move on.

All I want is a little less divided world than it already is. Where all genders understand each other, help each grow, do not try to cause any physical or mental pain.

This post might upset a lot of people but I still believe & will say it again
‘Everyone is fully equipped with all the ability of paving their way and if sometimes the roles are reversed or divided among partners to lessen the load, or chosen as the interest; there shouldn’t be any raised eyebrows. Rather a support for standing by their viewpoint & attitude.’

#happyinternationalwomensday
#happywomensday
#happywomensday2021

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Happy International Men’s Day

Posted on by Kanika

Dear Men

It breaks my heart when we all fail to comprehend the double-edged scrutiny you are under as much as the women but never got to be vocal about the pain it causes you. The sacrifices you make are so naturally expected of you that your simple pat-on-the-shoulder anticipation makes you look like a fool. The way you have to hide the fact of liking Rom-com movies more than the action packed genres because the label of being emotional could terrorize you or could easily detach you from the male gang.
It’s sad when the masculinity is proven only when you don’t shed a tear, with your loud & humorless laugh no matter if it’s killing you inside, when you have to be equipped with all the craftsmen skills like a maintenance worker because you must know how to fix broken items at home along with zero expectations of any such appreciation.

The way society made you the only bread-winner that it snatched away the simple joys of life and striped you off the luxury of feeling sad, emotional or miserable. A ride to a guilt trip when you only want to have fun with friends but the responsibilities refrained you from doing it. Those ‘must-be(s)’ list of; be successful, be responsible, earn more, always smile, you can never get abused or harassed or raped, you can’t have mood swings takes a lot of toll on your health too. If you are way more talented or inclined towards in showing off your makeup or culinary skills you got to think about twice or else those piercing eyes and infiltrating mouths will break your confidence and will make you plummet down so low that standing on your feet will seem like a far-fetched dream.

Being strong never meant broadest shoulders, rock-hard biceps, long grizzled beards but about how one can pick oneself up after a tragedy, a heartbreak ,or a mishappening. Something that is valid for every human being and not a particular gender. You must still feel what you want to feel, cry your eyes out whenever needed. Telling anyone on the basis of the gender about the things you can or cannot do had worked like the termites; deteriorating the foundation of being humans. Among all these pursuits and expectations we, as a society forgot that we all are humans wrapped up with emotions; something we must never be ashamed of. I always hated the fact of using “all men are same” phrase. This can never ever be true because this won’t ever be the Nature’s way. It always balances out.

It’s time that we truly start sharing. You being considered the only power-puffed carry bag for all the responsibilities is genuinely not fair. I believe Nature created two different species to act as two wheels while riding against the tribulations in our lives. To balance it out, to not put a burden on a single wheel because otherwise, the wreckage is inevitable. Both have the capabilities and desires to do everything, We got to stop comparing and mocking the one with the other. Both the genders are fully equipped with all the ability of paving their way and if sometimes the roles are reversed or divided among partners to lessen the load, or chosen as the interest; there shouldn’t be any raised eyebrows rather a support for standing by their viewpoint & attitude.
I ardently believe, we as the current generation are liable and accountable for this change and to create awareness for our posterity and make everyone unlearn certain pointless ‘long lasting beliefs’.

Dear Men,
you are (and must be) loved too, unconditionally.

From someone,
Who believes this change is possible.
Happy International Men’s day

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Our maple love ?

Posted on by Kanika

A crisp, amber polished surface of asymmetrical maple leaves covering the ground & dazzling our senses. Senses that are already ignited as we unfold our lives in front of each other while strolling through the thick royal boulevard and Nature’s spirit of overturning the past; Autumn. My foot advances in a leisurely gait while stealing a glance at your face which radiates the same sparkling brilliance as the shining star in brownish daylight. Seeing you pleasantly smiling at my inane remark you catch me off guard when each edge of your finger clutches mine, softly melting in its resting place.
My glossy hair comes to my rescue to hide the excitement where as the space between my fingers boldly gives away the purpose of why those were present in the first place; admitting it was meant to be filled by yours.
My cheeks radiate the vivacious red color mirroring the attractive avenue we are surrounded by. Looking at those splendid maple trees spanned across like golden & deep pumpkin orange blanket we take steps harmonically with Chopin’s Nocturnes (op9) note playing in my head making it look like a motion-picture show. Trails of dramatic change in this peaceful, spectacular surrounding asking us to give in ,the loveliest stretch reaching the pinnacle of colors touching our instincts on high alarm. The transformation of trees in stunning shades of orange, red and yellow echoing our emotions of apprehensions, edginess to be finally be amused by each other.

I feel autumn was whisked in our lives to accept the change and leave the past behind with dignity and no regrets. The profound effects of nature make us live in the moment without any guilt or precondition for it to keep on happening till we last. Far from the hustle-bustle we, the only living beings witnessing crimson turned hearts and leaves together in the slowest pace. Clouds form far away and slight cold breeze brushes my hair getting rid of my thick rescuer strands where you catch a glimpse of my flushed smile defining our ‘Maple Love’

It’s autumn again and I relive the moment years after.

It’s remarkable to admit the way our brain works, acting like a mini camera capturing the most meaningful moments and safely tucking away in the trunk full of rusty memories, so we can draw those out whenever we want and play it with eyes closed.
It’s a boon and monstrous both, when those memories choose to stay by our side. It’s just

few moments become our personal ‘forever’.

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An open letter to Monday

Posted on by Kanika

Dear Monday,

What should I call you? Someone who has made people’s life a living hell, the meanest day in the entire history of a week, whose existence is nothing but a source of depression, anxiety, and unproductiveness. People feel better after cursing you because you totally lack sensitivity towards them.
Everyone cringe at the idea of your arrival before you are there. Why have you made people shiver in fear or feeling jittery with a mere mention of your name that they regret the day you meet them and they want to punch you right between the eyes. Or maybe someone actually did and that’s how the metaphor emerged as ‘Monday blues’. The eccentric, evil day stealing or sucking fleeting happiness out of people.
What have you done?

Now that I think of it, do people blame you for a justified reason? Or they are stuck badly in their clock based timelines and mind-numbing dreary work that they need a reason to put this up on someone else? Their life is so constricted behind the desks, caged in spectacles, locked up inside infinite boring numbers that the forgot the very essence of life and consider only 2 days they are allowed to live life to the fullest. I had witnessed weekends carrying too much of a burden on them to fulfill their master’s request, of entertaining them and to exist with longer hours than defined.

I know, I know in your defense you did state it’s because that either humans are not doing what they love or are not loving what they are doing. Less energy, low enthusiasm on Monday make them realize the path they opted for in their life and are in a constant tussle with their inner creative personality.
But what possible reasons could be for not chasing their dream job. Yes, few are too scared to take risks. Even if they are totally disengaged from their job they still trudge through their tedious career. Some don’t have enough money to pay off their bills or the productive time that is needed to invest it.
There are who love procrastinating why because it’s too much of a task either physically or mentally. It requires thinking over it, spending time and effort on it but why when they can relax and do nothing.
Lastly, comes those who do not know what their passion is? The self-doubt, the emotional blockage entwined with their creativity, inherently becomes the longest journey to find it let alone working on it.

I am sure these rationalizations must have been conquered by some groups because whoever loves their work would never curse at you. On top of it, they might be even excited to have you back after they had sufficient relaxing time with self and family.

I believe in a parallel universe where you’re as brightly celebrated as any other weekend and everyone works, talks, breathes what they love.

Yours,
Someone who’s trying to mold even ‘Monday’ as ‘Fun Day’.

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You are the Sunlight…

Posted on by Kanika

The wind, the skies, the fields, my whole universe revolves around you. You are much more than the words can ever explain. The smile on your face, twinkles in my eyes wherein my each heartbeat is devoted to make that happen. The craving I have to look at you one more time are like the glimpses of heaven for me. Its where my uproar rests in tranquil state.
My loneliness that knew nothing except darkness now welcomes your light through a keyhole devouring my nights piece by piece.

The kind of love you carry lasts the ages. So when that love is ill-treated it makes me livid. I go insane when it isn’t valued, appreciated or returned with equal elegance. I feel like somebody jabbed a piercing weapon into my skin, pulled out my heart and placed it in front of me where it is frantically suffering and I, being all helpless, cannot do anything except witnessing it till it breaks. I can sacrifice my entire world for you and your smile. I believe I was made for you, that my demons surrendered and sworn to fight off yours to offer the love you deserve. This is how my craziness finds peace near you and allowing you to enter into my prayers.
You are the sunlight people can’t bear to stand for long. Though you try to adapt in the clouds for them but this isn’t what you are supposed to do. You need to shine as bright as possible even if it makes people turn away from you.

Those yearnings, wailings go beyond my control where I long to touch you, to hold you, to be close to you yet I have my fill when an alluring little curve adorns your face than any other jewels ever could. This inexplicable edgy feeling which makes me run towards you all the time, rests so peacefully after looking into your eyes. Those powerful desires having meager demands just to see you one more time, is nothing less than a miracle.
Restless are those who try to find peace in the worldly things, for my soul rested calmly after a taste of your alluring gaze.

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When faced it…

Posted on by Kanika

Pride held me high

though

rendered me helpless

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Spend wisely

Posted on by Kanika

“How about 10 minutes?”

“200 breaths? Are you crazy? Don’t you know the new Respiratory Guidelines? No more than 50 breaths for a non-family member let alone an acquaintance.”

“But I thought you’d make an exception for me.”

“See, they are on constant vigil. It’s preposterous to challenge their audit.”

“Perhaps, this should come to light. What kind of law it is to calculate & limit the breaths/time for each relation. Doesn’t make any sense in 30th century. We aren’t in the same old world anymore”

“Exactly, buddy. Time is precious.”

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Random….

Posted on by Kanika

Once upon a time there was an ugly, unwanted girl. She always thought she deserves the worst. She wasn’t calculative but she could thoroughly calculate the weight of dreams were too heavy on her real self. That those wild imaginations never matched up to her realities. Looking at world she presumed herself to be far above them intellectually, while connecting to them made her feel so obtuse. Where was the real struggle? Inside or outside? Why did she have to have such negative notion about herself? Negative – – why this word never felt so wrong? Why this felt like it’s someone who’s close to her and stayed unlike others? May be because she was dark. She embraced emotions people vary to touch. Because sometimes it did bring some solace. But then was it the right thing to do? Prepare a standard chart to compare both worlds. Her’s and outside’s. It was clear outside world is just a plain stage with run-of-the-mill performance actors. And what she was, was not negative or antagonistic. She only recognized herself on a different level. Neither negative nor positive, it was her. Something to ponder upon. That she could start over and change how she thought of herself and not like the initial lines of this passage…

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Pipe Dream

Posted on by Kanika

Do you want him to fight for you??

No!

I don’t want him to fight for me. He has his own battles to win. And I, mine.
I only want him to be there for me when I’m done fighting.

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