The Weekends

The ground has gathered our shadows.
The spell worked.
I’d collect our eclipses like dried leaves
and crush it in our garden.
You know, the leftover love makes
a good fertilizer for a fading passion
and might curb some pests
like your virulence towards me.


I am not toxic, am I?
I love you with all my heart
even though it beats hardly
in your absence.

I’d plant soft kisses
on your neck before the
urge to asphyxiate you takes over.
My tender hands love to
fondle your thighs or
scrape you with dagger-nails,
depends on how you behave.


Do you want to leave?
I will let you go but
with my pernicious influences
groping you at the midnight hour
of my baleful madness called love.


Oh! Wait. I did let you go.
Scatheless.
Is it the episode again?
where I wanted to hurt you
but wanted to change
for you too.
I am re-living attachments.
Again!


Damn! These weekends.


Weekends are the repository
of zombie memories
and I’d curtly admit
I get a little joy
in getting bitten up
and behave like a lifeless insect
exposed to be stomped on.
The only antidote is Monday
that splashes reality too hard
for my senses not to spring it open.

I still want you!

Would you hold me while I fall off the ladder of my own expectations? Would you blow air on my hot tea so I don’t burn my traitor tongue that forgot every other taste after yours? Would you laugh on my lame jokes sitting at the threshold of satires? Would you listen to one more poem of mine where I hide the shame of losing you but highlight creative words for my monochromatic feelings? Would you, one more time?

I know you have a better place to go and I won’t dare stop you but how do I say, that I am afraid. That, I still want you.

Would you say one more time that my anxieties make sense and I don’t have to sacrifice myself on dark wheels each evening when I sit down to count my burdens? Would you remind me of how strong I am when my knees embrace the ground, tears kiss the stones around and my fingers fiddle over a plucked, lonely flower meant for the hands of strangers? Would you remember me after you would hold hands with a stranger? I might stop then but for now I still want you.

Watching you go from a distance looks like someone told me a way to a buried treasure and made me swore not to ever be in a position of wanting it. It’s like I am free to find the fortune but can never have it because of the strong integrity I hold within myself.

I still see you from afar, meadows swaying along the breeze and a part of my soul walking away. An indescribable pain surfaces when the attached strings between us are pulled out one by one with your each step ahead. Far from my reach where I can only extend my hand and my feet frozen in an ice rink of an unsaid promise. A promise you took for me to be happy with or without you.

Would you please not say that I can be as unwavering as before without you? Would you please not say that I can climb the highest of mountains without you when I know you are my only purple, soft mattress I rest in to energize? You said we might be better off each other but,

But I still want you!

Picture credits: Kim Taehyung (filmed with Samsung’s cell phone (chame model)) 蘿

Inspired by BTS Song : The Truth Untold

How to…

How to
not be stupid
on 19th of that month
with thumb caressing
on that rectangular box
making lover out of a contact number,
ears thirsty for that voice
and eyes red as a bride
whose groom forgot to visit her.

Go easy on yourself
and smell fresh flowers again
and this time, without them around,
in the same coffee shop,
on 19th, when you first met them

How to
not be blue
at 1 am, after work
when they are winning the world
and you sit at the corner of your sofa
shrinking your bones into yourself
grating your muscles over rough presentations
loaning your smile to your future self
in a hope, your decades-after self
would smile more and probably, live more.
because that’s how hope works
for future, not for now.

I’d say give up hope
and take hold of the living substance in you, now.
It’s either mascara in your eyes
or pain. Don’t let both reside
and live a smudged life,
understood by none
not even by yourself.

How to
quit quickly
those seeds that you grew but
somebody acquired the land,
the mouths that you fed
but now take pride peeling you behind your back,
the walls wherein you wanted to melt yourself
but felt so cold, and so distant, and suicidal
that your home became the cauldron
and you the red meat.

Leave the city. Move to a new place.
Grow a plant, grow your hair,
place your happy feet
among plums and not homicides.
Where the air is white
and the Sun thickens your skin.
Where your echoes praise you
and your blood doesn’t betray you.
Where you fix yourself like a god
and nurse your broken wings like a goddess.

©kanikachugh

Bye November

You still burn within me
with your cold stare
and hot departure.

You let November
unleash on me
manipulating
my October-lover
to leave, just like you did.

The moment I accepted
November in my arms
it was time for it to part.

How do you do that?
Keep people in your shade
and abandon right before
the Sun is beating down on us.

©kanikachugh

Nights make me wonder…

Nights make me wonder
If I did what I was meant to.

Did I read another page of that book?
Did I take good care of my plants?
Did I figure out how to complete an assigned task?
Did I cook something special for my people?
Did I spend enough time with them?
Did I make them laugh?
Did I kiss them goodnight?
Did I forgive someone without being apologized to?
Did I try to fix my mistakes?
Was I humble enough?
Was I human enough?

Nights make me wonder
did I achieve everything I was
meant to, today?
Time is gonna slip by
and I might not be able to
do these again.

Because when I do,
I sleep peacefully.

Taste of toxicity

I have been growing hope in the backyard
and green ice cubes of algae
for my half-brewed liquor of anger.
The growth of hope-saplings is subjective.
The saint that lives inside the closed-door
sometimes goes on rampant, destroying the crops.

I visit the nearby bar cussing.
Words out of my mouth like cigarette smokes
insignificant but displeasing.

The man at the corner table
gently shakes his whiskey glass
and harshly condemns the politicians,
the sacrifices charade,
the size-zeros, the dead and
even his drink for not being bitter enough.

Toxicity is like raw metaphors
when you don’t find it,
your brain creates one” he says.
I hate what he says
and I hate more because I agree.
He is brutally honest about a thing or two.

For once I feel it’s better to be
with honest people at least we are aware
they can be destructive most of the time.
But it’s just a thought;
once you face the brutality every day
you’d run for the hills.

Everyone is toxic
and the reason you keep
growing hope so close, is so
you can catapult the poison out
through the patio,
one day at a time.

©kanikachugh

Promise me

Prove it, you are only here to suggest
some furniture and to add new music
to my playlists.
Promise me, you aren’t here to get
under my skin, and crawl up through
the veins to reach for the most
enamoured red object I’ve been
bestowed with; skillfully stored
in some assembled set of bones.

Because honey, if you intend to
steal this heart, better be prepared
to replace it with yours.
I deal with perfected business trades
because the loses incurred are beyond repair.

A heart snatched without a barter system,
usually ends up at the door step.
Returned but not at the right place.

And then I’d have to place it in an icebox of
tears just to keep it functioning.
And when you’d ask me about the
box I’d have to pretend a smile to
say it belongs to my friend.

As if loving someone had always
been such an embarrassment
that people died for it in vain.

I know I’d develop a void freely
floating in a stream of lost dreams
that would flow along my blood
sometimes, paralyzing my whole body 
and forcing me to stare at the tasteless fan
hanging from a reluctant roof 
at 3am and 253rd poem in your name.

Swear it on me
you are only here
to create some
new fancy ideas for snacks
and not
the memories.

©kanikachugh

Words

Words are like paperweights
weighing down the speeches of peace against war.

Words are the crutches of dry efforts
that hop on its rubber self to be loud.

Words are the stagnant headache that forgets
its way out and gets sewed at the lips.

Words are those identical miracles
one uses to unwrap hearts like opened palms;
ready to receive.

Words are the skin and bone of a devil
that sticks to your tongue, conflictingly, making it more flexible.

Words are those crashing dreams of a person
changing sides on his death bed; a listener he awaits.

Words are those failed bobbing of head
when you give up a thing (or person) you love the most,
in the name of sacrifices.

Words (for some) are afraid to be out
in broad day light.
Brute forces follow it
like misunderstandings,
misinterpretation and gravity
possesses them faster than anything.

Those polysyllable touch the
dust way sooner than the ears.

Words are that boldness in bones
tucked under the fragility of breath
that can prevent a heart from rusting
or ambush it for it to bleed profusely.

So, I intend to use it wisely.