Author: Kanika

Flirting-Coffee

Posted on by Kanika


I bumped into him in front of a coffee house. Nothing has changed since I last saw him. He still looks the same.But his boyish charm that used to carry the responsibility of so many smiles,now had an edge of ripening maturity. And seeing that I smiled
“Hi, how are you? So long?”

I think I gave away the glimpse of my sudden cheeriness with my ear to ear smile. Thankfully, he returned my answer with an equal measured curve of his lips. Is he really that happy to see me??
“I’m good, Tina. How have you been? Do you wanna grab some coffee? I heard this coffee house serves the best Flirting-Coffee.”
I saw him getting embarrassed the moment he ended his sentence. And I laughed out loud.
“Flirting-coffee? I’m very sure I’ve never heard of this before. How could this cafe be the best in that?”
“I mean that’s the name of their special coffee”, he added sheepishly. “So do you want to go inside and taste it?”

No, I shouldn’t. At all. Too little of time is left for wedding preparations and my evil friend Priyanka would kill me if I’m late. I wanted to say No and to my utter surprise, this is what came out of my mouth.

“Yes, Ofcourse. I can join you for a couple of minutes” I said with a radiant smile. What is it about him? Why can’t I stop smiling? What would he think of me? That I’m that kid hopping on her feet elated over receiving her favorite present. I tried to compose myself.
We entered and ordered the special coffee. I was noticing how nicely he tucks in his shirt now, how uniformly he folds his sleeves. No unbuttoned, disheveled gawky outfit. His hair nicely coiled and dignified mannerisms screaming of a friendly and approachable Gentleman demeanor. His face didn’t change but the eyes seem to have aged in a responsible way that you now feel you are heard. A person who has mentally grown over the years and now is much more attentive while you talk.
And his smile. Oh!! He’s smiling at whatever I’m saying. Please I need to stop else at this rate, I’ll document each second of my life spent after we parted. He looks so interested in listening to how much my cat troubles me, or if I’m still that scared girl who sleeps with lights on, if I am enjoying my new job, or how many times I re-read Harry Potter. All those trivial details in our dreamy encounter made me lose track of time.

I suddenly ask him so what’s the story behind flirting-coffee. His laugh is a bit shy again. He continues,
“Actually, according to this Coffee-House they let their coffee do all the flirting. So even if you are naive at this, you are covered” And then I jokingly add,
“So you wanted to flirt with me but didn’t know how to, right?”

And we both laughed out so hard. Like the old times. Good old times. I don’t want to remember the bad parts with or about him. It’s only about a couple of minutes so I don’t need to ruin it.

“Hey, you there?” He asks. I didn’t know when did I space out. “You still carry a lot of things on your mind, don’t you?” He winks.
“Oh, well…” My phone buzzed and it was Priyanka. Oh God!!
I picked up!!

“Hi sweetie, I’m sorry I’m coming. I’m on my way” She’s yelling, of course!! I didn’t realize it’s been more than an hour sitting and chatting with him. She anyway gets paranoid over the wedding stuff esp when it’s around the corner.
I continued “Yes yes, the wedding. There is nothing more important to me at this point in time” trying to tease and calm her down.

I hung up. And tell him I’ve to rush.
He says okay but something is off. He asks if I’m okay and I assure him but had to shop for the wedding and I’m late.
I picked my things and left. I walk fast but suddenly had this urge to bid him bye. I turn around and there he is. Standing in front of the coffee house, like he was waiting for me to turn. He looks sad. Something wore off his pretty smile. What happened to him??

But I don’t have time for this. I wave him bye and walk faster. In few minutes my feet comes to a sudden halt.
THE WEDDING!!
Oh, is this what?? Did it bother him?? After all this time? Was he heartbroken about this news? Doesn’t it mean he still ….?
I don’t know why but I run back towards the coffee house. And I run fast. I wanted to confront him. I needed to hear something. Maybe some sort of closure that I failed to get all these years.
I reach there and he is gone. He has left.
What made me think that he would still be waiting for me?
He is gone. Like before.

(Part 1 ends)

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Listerners

Posted on by Kanika

The more I wanted to
scream my pain out,
The better listener I became.
Thinking how badly
others would have wanted it too.

~ to pour it all out.

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The Rock

Posted on by Kanika

I am sure
I saw fear in his eyes,
but I was prepared to knock him down.

That first thrash hit him hard
then the second thrash,
the third,
the nth….
he still stood tall and proud.

My throbbing, powerful waves
kept lashing into him.

He was a ‘rock’.
But I believe
had a heart of a marshmallow
for he never
avenged me
for my behavior.
Sadly, he knew how ‘hurt’ works.

I had seen some humans crying for the very same reasons at my shore.

~ Rocks they seem but they do get hurt.

____________________________________________

Strong people aren’t good at showing their pain but are often misread as someone who stays unaffected all the times.

Never push a kind person beyond the limits. Once built, their walls would be impossible to impregnate.

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Stillness

Posted on by Kanika

My breath seems like
coming to a stand-still
while it is stitching hatred
to my worn-out lungs.
In some mysterious ways
asking to stop sucking in air,
while I still pursue to live.

My grit decomposing and
breaking-up into tiny pieces of
horrendous curses I want to
cast upon people,
reeking of self-doubt
and deteriorating courage;
determined to cut my own wings
while I sew them back
with a needle of my diminished valor.

The claws of spiteful death
contracting over my burdened shoulders
and trying to separate
my already-extinguished soul
from my dispassionate body
while I try to set poor memories on fire
to stay warm and in this world.

The dust around my hands
reminding me of endless tortures
for stretching too far
for the undeserving ones
that each cell, each tissue,
the fiber, the skin
burnt in agony and finally turning into ashes
while I still touch memoirs of recollecting past
to feel those hands.

With Life turning my divine light
into pitch dark clouds
raining melancholy and doomed fate
while I am still trying to find my shining star
to create rainbows of faith and
thrive alongside Nature.

In the stillness of my calm, continuous efforts
I fought something I never knew
existed.
A monster devouring my senses, crushing the freshness of Life and
royally residing inside my head.

I grew a new seed of belief and hope.
Everyday!
The belief of being bigger than this monster,
The seed filling the vastness of the void
with each blooming leaves and flowers
to water my own growth.

It took me long enough
to light the lamps of confidence
and taking back the reins in my hands
instead of being controlled and
that is how I empowered myself.

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Today!!

Posted on by Kanika

The Sun surprises me again, today!
With its conniving and whimsical rays.
I almost packed my bags to leave
Yet the daylight dodged the darkest blanket
I covered myself in and dared to enter
the far-flung angle of my knapsack;
Where my blacks, blues, and grey clothes
were put in solitary, finally befriending the night.
Those disobedient rays startled me
with their barbarous act of trying
to outshine the unlighted patches.

Without exception it made me think,
ponder over what was happening?
Is it again the silly magic of hope?
Are those tiny seeds being planted in my head?
Or am I being scammed again?
To drown me in endless loops
of Hope
of Optimism
of Trust
of Faith.

NO! it’s a hoax. I promised myself.
I won’t fall for it again.

Where was this light while I cared & waited, even for a single shred of it.
while I was unquestionably & whole-heartedly ‘giving’
while I was holding onto the last thread of hope;
holding it so tight that it did nothing but
continuously injured me by harshly pulling
back the strings and finally
ripped my arms off.
My hands got bruised amid the
tugging war of ‘keep fighting for it’ and ‘let it go’.
Hands that were always raised for prayers,
always lifted to help others,
always held the broken ones
it’s as if my devotion was thoroughly mocked
and those hands were cut off altogether.

I know the game being played now.
Because I had finally stopped caring
You need me back.
Because you cringe at me for being heartless
You want me to feel again.

You(The Universe) always find a way
You win every time, somehow.
As always managed to make me think
Even if I kept pushing away the thoughts
with all my might.
You did it.
And once again
Amidst miserable fragments and shredded days
I am now looking at life with new hopes.
Anticipating some good is still left somewhere
that is bound to come my way.
And the good which is yet to be done through my hands,
Some goals yet to be reached.
Some moments yet to be lived.

The light entered my heart again, today!
And I wish to keep it for as long as I can
This time!

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Happy International Men’s Day

Posted on by Kanika

Dear Men

It breaks my heart when we all fail to comprehend the double-edged scrutiny you are under as much as the women but never got to be vocal about the pain it causes you. The sacrifices you make are so naturally expected of you that your simple pat-on-the-shoulder anticipation makes you look like a fool. The way you have to hide the fact of liking Rom-com movies more than the action packed genres because the label of being emotional could terrorize you or could easily detach you from the male gang.
It’s sad when the masculinity is proven only when you don’t shed a tear, with your loud & humorless laugh no matter if it’s killing you inside, when you have to be equipped with all the craftsmen skills like a maintenance worker because you must know how to fix broken items at home along with zero expectations of any such appreciation.

The way society made you the only bread-winner that it snatched away the simple joys of life and striped you off the luxury of feeling sad, emotional or miserable. A ride to a guilt trip when you only want to have fun with friends but the responsibilities refrained you from doing it. Those ‘must-be(s)’ list of; be successful, be responsible, earn more, always smile, you can never get abused or harassed or raped, you can’t have mood swings takes a lot of toll on your health too. If you are way more talented or inclined towards in showing off your makeup or culinary skills you got to think about twice or else those piercing eyes and infiltrating mouths will break your confidence and will make you plummet down so low that standing on your feet will seem like a far-fetched dream.

Being strong never meant broadest shoulders, rock-hard biceps, long grizzled beards but about how one can pick oneself up after a tragedy, a heartbreak ,or a mishappening. Something that is valid for every human being and not a particular gender. You must still feel what you want to feel, cry your eyes out whenever needed. Telling anyone on the basis of the gender about the things you can or cannot do had worked like the termites; deteriorating the foundation of being humans. Among all these pursuits and expectations we, as a society forgot that we all are humans wrapped up with emotions; something we must never be ashamed of. I always hated the fact of using “all men are same” phrase. This can never ever be true because this won’t ever be the Nature’s way. It always balances out.

It’s time that we truly start sharing. You being considered the only power-puffed carry bag for all the responsibilities is genuinely not fair. I believe Nature created two different species to act as two wheels while riding against the tribulations in our lives. To balance it out, to not put a burden on a single wheel because otherwise, the wreckage is inevitable. Both have the capabilities and desires to do everything, We got to stop comparing and mocking the one with the other. Both the genders are fully equipped with all the ability of paving their way and if sometimes the roles are reversed or divided among partners to lessen the load, or chosen as the interest; there shouldn’t be any raised eyebrows rather a support for standing by their viewpoint & attitude.
I ardently believe, we as the current generation are liable and accountable for this change and to create awareness for our posterity and make everyone unlearn certain pointless ‘long lasting beliefs’.

Dear Men,
you are (and must be) loved too, unconditionally.

From someone,
Who believes this change is possible.
Happy International Men’s day

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Warmth

Posted on by Kanika

For the mornings so cold
Keep the heart that warms.

Like the sun warming up
the hidden
hard to reach
coldest places
through the crevices
carved out
by Nature
for the winters
to not be too harsh.

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HAPPY DIWALI

Posted on by Kanika

Wishing all of my fellow writers, a very happy and prosperous Diwali.

In this gloomiest year
let’s widen our smiles
open our hearts a little more
and spread our contagious happiness everywhere ☺️

I’m pretty sure your smiles will
light up the room as well as the hearts of your loved ones. ❤️
Be with your family
eat several delicacies
help others
And don’t forget to stay kind. ?

Laughter, kindness, hope, love can save any world for any number of times.

Anyone who is struggling in these hard times, I’d congratulate you for holding it for so long and it’s going to be over soon. Stay strong. You had been doing great till now.
You’ll be fine.
I’ll sincerely pray for you and everyone to receive something good soon.
Cherish yourself first to cherish others.

Stay safe!!
Spread smiles!!

HAPPY DIWALI?

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Under the Umbrella

Posted on by Kanika

We got off the last bus when it suddenly started raining heavily. I recalled carrying a single umbrella & instantly knew it’s going to be the most awkward night. We, under the same umbrella within the vicinity of unmasked emotions; both grown-ups, both hesitant who had to scooched down under the crowning shelter with embarrassing electricity passing through us whenever our bodies touched; the thought already made me fidgety. It was a lonely street and we didn’t talk much. The disappointed silence was snowballing to make us more uncomfortable. With few more steps, we were half drenched from each side and thought to stop over a local bar.

Sitting in front I gingerly poured the drink with a faint smile wondering why Mom asked us to come together. While passing the side-dish I saw his brightest smile. With few drinks, we started opening like old buddies. Father still made that snorting sound while laughing which I found extremely hilarious in childhood. I examined his face. Sunken eyes, grey hair, saggy skin along the jawline; when did he grow this old. It’s been a long time I have had a good look at him even after sharing the same roof for years.

We chatted and reminisced about the games we used to play. The prince who’d fight off the enemy who invaded his land with the wooden swords carved by father. My make-believe game of winning the queen & confidently disregarding his explanations that the game is Chess and not Carrom. The way he used to nicely fold my ‘I love you, Papa’ scribblings and keep it safe in his tiny box as if some kind of treasure it is. How I knew the only way to enjoy fairs and festive carnivals was by sitting on his shoulders while mom fed us those tasty rolls. When my latest geometry box and all sorts of stationery supplies were more important than the shirt he had been trying to buy for years. “My office is boring so why do I need a new shirt for a boring place”, he consoled me when I refused.

The way I always used to kiss him back sleepily after he was back from the office trying to nudge me awake for one minute. I think it was his way of saying ‘I missed you today, Son’. When I thought I was able to deceive father because mom didn’t tell my low scored marks to him and I got a new bicycle anyway. Papa knew it all along. I got to know it later which truly made me serious towards studies without being reprimanded. When he’d spent ungodly hours after office in fixing my toys so that at the end he could hear ‘You’re my Hero, Papa”. When I used to laugh hysterically while he dropped me off at school wearing unmatched slippers. When at any family function he so innocently pleaded and bribed me to be with him because he was so bad at expressing with others. But we always ended up having fun together.

Then a single thought crossed my mind ‘What happened to us’? Well, I grew up. Life happened and we started spending from lesser hours to almost nil. He stopped asking for games because those were embarrassing now and that’s what I said once. His only words I remember lately were ‘Is everything okay? Is there anything you need?’ I now think he meant he is still available to fix anything, he can still be my Hero again even after I have grown up.

Yes, I grew up and became like him, who couldn’t express the pain or about the heartbreaks, who failed to talk about the pressures of life and repeated failures, who was not so conniving to lead an easy life and had to work hard diligently wherever went, who always looked for some reason or someone’s help or the crevices in any conversation to be a part of it. He must have felt the same. He must have been in pain too.
He said over the drinks that he missed me, he missed the chirpy boy in me, he missed his old buddy. He was so happy I wasn’t like him in yesteryears, who made him forget the hostile world and took him to a grand kingdom where they both ruled together and laughed till they choked.

I realized, I forgot expressing. Just like him. And that day made a promise to not be a little like him and make sure to steal an extra amount of hugs and ‘I love you(s)’ because Love isn’t a gender-based emotion but the hearts. I am going to cherish him now before it’s too late.

Under that umbrella, Not our bodies but were the hearts that moved closer. I thanked mom secretly while listening to his funny snorting sound again and laughing uncontrollably.

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Words

Posted on by Kanika

Words come and flow with me instantaneously.
Perhaps, those were abandoned too by someone.

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